A stretch of imagination.
A flash of thought.
Is love just an illusion?

Falling in Love

"That's how a CPU works," she said.

"No. THIS is how a CPU works," he said.

This was the first time they ever spoke to each other and also disagreed. They were first year engineering students at KREC, Surathkal. It was their first week in college and their first lab.

Maya S, a middle class Bangalorean, had got there through the state quota, after getting one of the top ranks in the state CET. Likewise, Akash Mayur, a middle class Mumbaiite, had got into the college under the "all India" quota. They both, along with many other bright students there, were the cream of academia.

But even bright students have crushes. Even scholars fall in love.

She first noticed him when there were general introductions in the lab group she was assigned to.

"Hmmm… Cute… great smile. Seems to be a nice guy. No stubble? Huh, still a boy!"

And she was attracted to him. It was her first crush. It felt so good.

And they became friends.

She was a good looking, shy girl from an orthodox family. (Though she was not the prettiest girl around). She realized that however nice they were to each other and however much he treated her with respect, he was a boisterous, oversmart, ambitious Northie. Another one in the pack.

But she never thought he would hurt her.

And they had fun together, talking about exams, teachers, marks and stuff.

She voted him Mr Chocolate Face in the first year get-together. That probably was the general opinion and he got the title. She let him know her choice, but strangely, couldn't find out whom he voted as Miss Cute - the female equivalent of Mr Chocolate Face.

She was a plain and a simple girl.

End of first year. They survived the tough exams.

Being in Love

Second year

- she would search for him in the class everyday and missed him when he didn't come.

- she would think about him when she sat with her books and wished she could group study with him.

- she wanted to know more about him. "God, I don't even know his date of birth. What do I do if he is younger than me?" She somehow was not comfortable with the idea of her love, her future husband, being younger than her.

- whenever their eyes met, she got an awkward feeling.

- Akash was her dream guy and she imagined kissing those lips - a goodnight kiss every time she went to bed.

- "Maya Mayur, now that's what I call a superb name," as she wrote it down.

Probably Akash sensed her crush and gave a dazzling smile and a "Hi" whenever he saw her. But Maya still did not know whether Akash liked her as much as she did. Sometimes when he looked at her on campus, she sensed an attraction between them - an unspoken word that they understood each other's feelings. They continued being friends, though a level of uncomfortable-ness had crept into their relationship.

She sensed that even he was dying to get down on his knees and declare his love for her but there was this other Akash, part of the Northie peer group, who wanted to have a string of affairs, get his degree and get out.

Maya wanted to tell her feelings so much, at least to a friend so that the news got around. But she herself was unsure at times whether it was - admiration, crush, liking or love.

"Anyway, isn't love something special between two people," she thought.

Probably things would have been different if Maya had shouted out her feelings.

Second year - he misbehaved. Though it was made out to be not such a big deal and it was about something he said in front of a group, she was still shocked. She asked him to shut up and tried to be friends with him as usual, hoping he would come around later and apologise.

Akash was a flirt and Maya knew that very well. Then she found out that he was actually moving around and spending time with a junior girl who had cried herself hoarse everywhere that she had a liking for Akash.

She went home and cried.

Third year - studies went on as usual on campus. There was a kind of cool aloofness between them and though he tried to show that he cared and they were still friends, it was still a "Hi" whenever they met. And sometimes whenever he looked at her, Maya felt that it was a look of wonder imploring her to declare her love, at least to a friend.

"Was he two-timing?"
"Was he scared to tell her he loved her?"
"Was he just casual?"

Shock. Anger. Then dejection. Acceptance. Indifference. Finally…

End of fourth year.

Akash and Maya parted as acquaintances who had been friends once, wishing each other "Best of luck."

- it was trivial that Maya found out that Akash was older than her by four months.

- it was trivial that he had a nice stubble all over his face now.

- it was trivial that Akash's girlfriend married a rich businessman in Delhi.

- it was trivial that Akash moved on to another girl.

The most important thing for Maya was that after the final goodbyes, she realised how much she loved him.

Staying in Love

"What's wrong with you, Maya?"
"Mayu, why don't you apply for a job?"
"Maya, why are you sitting at home, just lounging around and wasting your time?"
"Akka, are you marrying that software engineer from the US? Mom was talking to them on the phone."

"Oh no!" thought Maya. "How can I?"

Because, Maya loved Akash with all her heart, mind and soul. She thought of him all the time and all the friendly moments they had shared.

"No, this is not infatuation," she thought, "or else I would have got over this."

Her most favourite pastime now was to go upstairs with a hot cup of tea, gaze at the clouds, the horizon, the distant hills, the chirping birds - and think of Akash. And while counting the stars in the night, she would think of the kind of house they would live in, their children…

Maya spent the next few months after graduation swimming in her pond of such thoughts. It was a very blissful existence for her.

After a year or so, she tried getting a job with a local company. But her mind always kept thinking of, dreaming of and worshipping Akash. She just couldn't concentrate on numbers or anything else. She couldn't bring herself to forget him.

Maya was totally in love and she realized that she could never let go of this yearning of her body for Akash; the state of mind always focused on Akash; the comfort of her soul with these thoughts; the oneness of her being with the elements at this level; the totality of love.

The only way to find solace and relaxation was by being close to nature and spreading love and care all around.

Maya then decided to join her uncle's ashram in the Nilgiris.

The "Dhyanaloka Ashram and Trust" had been started by her uncle and aunt after their retirement. There they ran a school for tribal children and gave health education and first-aid to the tribals in the area. It was also open to travellers, the needy, and for volunteers who cared to stay there and work.

Her parents, who by now knew of her love, gladly sent her there, thinking a change of place would do her good and that she would gradually forget.

Little did they realise that she would never, not for the next 41 years…

Love is Life

The end? The beginning?

Maya looked at her reflection in the water kept for her bath. The wrinkles on her face were as numerous as her white hair. She thought how her Akash would look. "Not so bad," she wondered aloud, "considering that Akash is completely bald now."

She smiled at her own surmise.

Maya Patti, or Maya grandma, as she was known in the area, collected her walking stick and started on her daily rounds of the school. It was her 42nd year there; her uncle and aunt had by now died and the management of Dhyanaloka had fallen on her. Her devotion to the care of the tribal people was so well-known and recognised that the chief minister of the state had personally come there and honoured her.

"See Akash, they gave me this shawl - I use it while making rounds when it gets too cold." One of the two photos she had of Akash was in her hand; it had become old, yellow and faded. But it still invoked the same wonder, charm, reverence and love in her.

She had no regrets.

For some people - 'Love' means the number of kids they can have and raise well. Or 'Love' means offering pleasures to each other - material or physical. 'Love' means sacrificing oneself and dying. Or 'Love' means just another emotion.

For Maya 'love' probably meant a state of body, mind, soul and spirit, where, without any expectations, you experience the intense pleasure of just being in that state.

She ate very little in the night, due to breathlessness and chest pain, which today seemed to be a bit more intense.

"Dear God, let me meet Akash in heaven or in my next life or in one of the lives I will have, if there is anything like rebirth. Or let my soul be united with his so that we can become soul mates forever."

She looked down at her notebook, took her pen and tried to complete the story.

~*~

I don't know for how long I had been crying. I wiped my tears, closed the notebook, and put it in the trunk which held a few sets of clothes, a shawl, and two faded photos of a handsome boy.

Just the previous night I was woken up by my father and asked to go immediately to the Nilgiris and complete the last rites of his aunt Maya or Maya Patti as we called her. I had cursed audibly, as that would upset my entire plans at the office, that too on a Monday. I had just completed my MBA and started on the job.

"Saab, what do I do with her belongings?" the driver asked me when we were about to leave. The trustees had given the trunk to us. I took out the notebook and the photos. "Distribute the rest among the poor," I told him.

I tore the photos and scattered the pieces around. Then kept the notebook with me.

The next morning, I met my classmate and friend Sushma at the office. She had graduated and got the job along with me.

"Sushma, I love you. Will you marry me?"
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