Of Writers and Critics

A conversation between a writer and a critic. Please note that this is a fabricated dialogue and is not intended to hurt the sentiments of any individual or group. It is purely for entertainment only.

Writer: Who, would you say, is an IDEAL writer?

Critic: (Gesturing with both hands) Someone who is interesting, imaginative, innovative and can capture the reader's attention absolutely, cover to cover.

Writer: Hmph! You critics expect writers to be versatility personified. You think every writer has to be the epitome of creativity!

Critic: Of course! If you are not, then you are not fit to be recognised as a writer!

Writer: I don't think so.

Critic: Obviously you don't, because I do.

Writer: You critics are always trying to undermine us.

Critic: We are just being honest.

Writer: And in doing so, do you realize that you are robbing us of the one thing we hold dear.

Critic: And what's that?

Writer: Freedom of expression. The choice to be ourselves, to write what we like to write about and in a style that suits us. And with you critics breathing down our necks, we are forced to edit our creations in our mind itself. Even before it takes shape, it loses its significance.

Critic: Hmph! You are just bunch of arrogant bastards who attribute your inadequacies to "lack of freedom!" You cover up your incompetency with vague cliches like the "writer's block"!

Writer: Ha! You critics are parasites of the worst kind! You thrive on us, making our lives miserable. If we writers didn't exist, you cannot even subsist. And you think the world of yourselves, imposing restrictions on us, preventing us from unleashing our real talent.

Critic: Big deal!

Writer: No, it's the truth. We spend hours conceiving a new concept and meticulously work on it to make it presentable. At the end of it all, you write a review on it, christening it as a "piece of shit!"

Critic: Uhm...

Writer: At a loss for words, eh? Well, you are usually all set to fire off critical remarks at us, so what's stopping you now? When we write about stark reality, you say, "Come on, don't give us the mundane stuff!" And when we get imaginative, you bawl, "Hey, man! Get real!" What the hell do you expect us to do?

Critic: Now, why are you beginning to sound like a ferocious dog?

Writer: (Agitatedly) What do you know about the pleasure of writing! Writing elevates you to a different level of sublime ecstasy. Writing inspires you to let go of inconsequential trivialities and helps you unwind. But with you critics around, we writers have to be very cautious not to overstep the so-called "boundaries" defined by you, failing which you would hurl insults at us, hurting us with your caustic comments and piercing us with your insensitive reviews. (Clenching his fist) Well, you ask me why I sound furious? Because I am! I sure as hell AM!! You invade our serene abode of creative imagination with your blunt observations - we would naturally retaliate!

Critic: (Portentously) Oh, really? You...

Spectator (who has been watching the dialogue for some time, fearing that it may flare up into a brawny physical scuffle): Hey guys, calm down! Why don't you just agree to disagree on certain things and drop the topic?

Writer and Critic: (In unison) Because we can never agree on anything!

Spectator: Well, you just did. Both of you agreed that you can never agree on any issue. And I witnessed that.

Both the writer and the critic look flabbergasted. Slowly they begin to smile. They look at each other and nod. Then they depart in opposite directions.