I once believed that the true me would be the average of every me. I figured if I was a different person to different people then a reasonable combination of those opinions should be a good description of me. As the story goes, to put this theory to test I decided to pick a few people and have them describe me.

I felt a good cross-section of people ranging from those who knew me reasonably well to those who knew me best would do and planned to go through them in increasing degree of importance. I hit up on a problem right away - Is my wife closer to me or is it one of parents I should consider as closer? Well, my parents do know me for all of my life but my wife has been by my side these last few years and to be honest I have changed a lot in the years after I married her (not that it reflects badly on her). Anyway I figured that would come last and I could cross the bridge when I came to it. To begin with I would start with a person important enough to consider close and yet someone who'd be last on any list of intimacy.

I've always considered friends very important in my life, after all they do add a whole new dimension to you, but I was never the kind who put a friend above family. The first person I decided to talk about this to therefore was a colleague, someone who knew me well but not as well as my family or one or two of my childhood friends. Anna was one person who I felt was very candid, a real firebrand. Most people shied away from her but I had little to fear about myself so I had little to fear about what she'd have to say about me. I wasn't exactly very unsure of myself and could take a harsh word from anyone if it were honest. At least that's what I thought when I went up to her in the office corridor.

Me: Hey Anna*!
Anna: (looking up from a file) Hmmm?

M: I was wondering if I could ask you a question.
A: Hmmm…?!

M: What do you think of me?
A: Come on J, you're married.

M: (With a small sardonic smile) I know that Anna, I'm not exactly thinking about you and me…

I probably shouldn't have had that smile on my face when I said that, she didn't even let me finish.

A: (brows creased, cutting in) Oh yeah? What's wrong with me?

M: Oh come on now, all I wanted to know was what you think of me.
A: Why?

M: Well, aren't you ever curious about what people think of you?
A: OK what do you think of me J?

That frown was thickening… by now I was stumped.

M: Hey that can wait, I asked first…
A: I'm not telling you what I think of you unless I know what you think of me.

She decided to look at her file again and started walking past me. She was rather worked up by now and I wondered if I'd caught her at a bad time. I should have probably let it go at that but I tried mending things as a last ditch effort.

M: Well, you sound like you aren't exactly in a very good mood. Should I come back later?
A: (She stopped to look at me again) You can come back anytime you want. I'm still not telling you what I think of you unless I know why you are asking me that.

By now she was scowling real hard. I really was surprised. Anna never hesitated telling people what she thought of them and here she was refusing to answer that very question when she had carte blanche to insult me as she pleased. This wasn't quite turning out the way I intended it to.

M: Look Anna, I was just wondering if I knew myself well enough. I merely wanted to find out what other people felt about me. Consider it curiosity, consider it insecurity… whatever. I just thought you might be the kind of person to answer that kind of a question.

A: And exactly what kind of a person am I?

M: The candid type. You don't even mind insulting someone if it means being honest in your opinion and…

A: Oh! so you think I'm rude?
M: No, I mean…

A: Bellicose perhaps...? A nag? Irritant? Argumentative? That's what everyone thinks of me, isn't it? Well I don't give a damn, J. I don't give a damn what you or anybody else thinks of me.

She turned around and continued to walk away before turning around for one final parting shot.

A: You know what hurts the most, J? I thought you were the kind of person who might understand me, I thought you were a good friend. I'm terribly disappointed and hurt. Here's what I think of you - I think you are a cheap liar who will deceive people into trusting you and then turn around and stab them in the back by heaping insults on them. In fact I wonder what you've been telling other people about me.

If I didn't know any better I'd have said she was on the verge of tears as she left. The whole thing hadn't quite turned out the way I'd planned for it to. Anna invariably ended up telling people what she thought of them so in hindsight I think I might have gotten my answer any other way. It might have been easier to simply start a conversation on a different subject, any subject.

Anyway a few of the women at work did come by later and congratulate me. I didn't figure out what happened until someone told me one of the secretaries had found Anna crying in the ladies' room. Landmark day in the history of Wareham-Walt and Anna's employment there - Anna had finally proven to be human too. She probably wouldn't ever forgive me for that.

I was going to be very careful with the next person. So far all I had was cheap liar, deceiver and backstabber.

* Name changed for lack of little else to do (In fact all names have been changed).
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